Away So Long

I didn't intend to stay away for so long. There have been so many things transpired in the last two weeks. To explain what happened with Mike, here is the story.

On Monday night, Maleah came to eat supper with us. This was not her usual night but since they had been in Florida for a few days she came over early in the week. I should have made some phone calls and gotten Mike some work in St. Louis but I wanted to visit with Maleah.

Mike assured me it was ok because he had a couple of pianos to do at church. So Tuesday morning dawned as usual. I got up and fixed his breakfast as he was getting ready to go to work. He left and at around 11:00, he returned with a bad backache. He has had so many aches and pains and most of the time it was worse when he was stressed and he was most definitely stressed that day. We were facing the big house payment with not much in the account towards it. Plus the many other bills and I had not been able to get to the calls quickly.

I tried rubbing his back for him and got him a couple of Ibuprofen. We sat on the porch a few minutes. He was still in pain. It eased a bit and we went inside. He sat down in his dad's recliner which he never usually sat in at all. He began to tell me the events of the morning when all of the sudden he grabbed his chest and said "It's starting again!" and his head fell over. My first thought was that he had fainted. I tried to wake him up....I ran and got a towel and wet it and washed his face. He never awoke. By then I realized this was too long so I called 911.

I really do see why people panic in these situations. It seemed like an eternity before the ambulance arrived. I could not remember my CPR and he was in the chair. I would have had a hard time getting him out. I tried blowing in his mouth and holding his nose but it would all come back out.

I knew that he was gone and the thought hit me that they MIGHT resucitate him. I was afraid he was going to be disabled in some way and I can think of nothing that would have been worse for Mike. He hated pain and discomfort and didn't ever want to have to be uncomfortable in front of people. So for that reason, I am thankful that God took him in such a fashion.

By the time the ambulance arrived, I was totally exhausted. I backed up to the steps so the ambulance people could work on him. I ran upstairs to get Grandma who had slept through it all.

I can't believe he's gone. It really hasn't soaked in yet how this is going to affect me in the future. I know that I will miss our sweet times alone, our trips to Ginny's after church on Sunday nights when it was just he and I and we neither one NEEDED the food, his tender touch, his yard work, his musical abilities and his artistry. My life was enriched by the joy and love he brought into it.

We didn't have a perfect marriage and I wish I could say that I had loved him perfectly but is that really possible? We were two completely different people that meshed together to make a team. I thought it was a good one.

I will always have the many memories of his music. He made it possible for me to sing solos. Because of his skills in piano, we had all those years of singing in different groups. I can't even imagine what it will be to try to sing with someone else. It was so easy to sing with him. He covered for me and if I ever made a mistake, he made up for it. I feel half of a person now!!!

I sang for all these years. Someone asked me one time how many songs I knew by heart....I can't even count them. There were always songs that I could pull out of my head and just start singing and Mike would follow me.

So many things in my life will be different. I don't know what the Lord has in store for my future but He does.

Sometimes I like to just think about what Mike must be experiencing now. I could get a little jealous. I imagine that the minute he drew his last breath, he experienced complete peace, complete relief from pain, perfect sight and hearing. I think that he must have seen his dad. He has missed him so much!!

I just hope the Lord allowed him to see the funeral and all the expressions of love that were shown. I know he thought he was a nobody! That was part of the character of who he was. He was an humble, godly man!!

So, now I begin a new chapter in my life, a little lost, a little confused but not in dismay. I know Who holds tomorrow and I know where Mike is. I have a wonderful family and there are great days ahead. I will learn how God can use me alone!! Thank you, Lord!!