Heaven

I have just been reading a book that a friend recommended called "Ninety Minutes In Heaven". It is the true story of a Baptist preacher who was killed in a car accident, pronounced dead at the scene and then returned to life. I so hope what he says is true about heaven.

It makes me want to praise God even more and thank him for taking Mike there!! I tried so hard to love him and for many years my love was enough to keep him from thinking about a lot of bad things but as we aged and accepted more and more responsibility he struggled with his thoughts of insecurity and anxiety. A lot of times I was so busy with the children. Grandma says I didn't let Mike be a father but the truth was, I knew how insecure he was about being a father and I struggled with making everything perfect. I didn't want the kids to be cranky or upset around Mike. I ran interference so that he could enjoy it.

But the book is talking about how much he felt loved and at peace. OH HOW I HOPE that is exactly what Mike felt. I can just see him there now without a care in the world being hugged by his Dad with a perfect body and no missing kneecap.

The book describes the music and how I want to hear it!!! I know if anyone enjoys it, Mike will!!! He always heard so much more than most people. He analyzed constantly the chord progressions. As he aged he quit really liking to listen to much music because he was lost in his own thoughts and he didn't want to go through the analyzing part. He was tired and distraught because he felt like such a failure and no matter what I said it made no difference. I would say "I love you!" and he would say "But I don't love myself!" He would apologize to me for such silly things. For instance he apologized because he was so slow at taking care of things around the house. If something broke, he imagined the worst and would put it off because he was just sure it would cost way too much to fix. I just can't even imagine how he must feel now to be free from that weight of condemnation.

The book talks about the fact that the author felt no remorse or hurt for leaving his friends and family and I am so thankful for that. I tried to shield him from so many things but he just couldn't keep from hearing and seeing things that went on around him.

I am faced with Grandma who now is telling me that I owe her so much money. She is determined that if it were possible, she would take everything and leave me destitute. I do not understand it. I have done nothing to deserve it. I want to do the right thing by her but it is obvious that NOTHING will appease her wrath. What do I do???

At least Mike is now far away from having to hear about his many failures! Before he died, she told me he was no good son and that she hadn't heard a kind word from him since she had been here. Now, he was some sort of angel that gave his life because I was to stupid to take him to a cardiologist. I just ran him to death.

She detested every time he played for a group or had to practice or counted money or sang in the ensemble. That church was just using him! But how he struggled to remain faithful to the Lord and his church in the midst of such cruel feelings.

We came to a place that we realized she could no longer stay out in the country alone. She had been working doing in-home care for several years and that had kept her busy but she was losing her ablility to walk very easily and had so many emergency visits to the hospital her friends were becoming anxious. I think they felt that we were shirking our duty. So, I told Mike that we HAD to go get her. I will never forget his response. "I don't think I can do it!" He had always had a "safe" place at home. A place where he could shut the door and do whatever he wanted to do without fear of condemnation. I had worked so hard to have it so, but when Grandma came that eliminated any safe place. If he came in early he had to worry that she thought he didn't do enough work. If he laid on the couch, he had to worry that she was going to think he was sick and begin a barrage of stories about who all had died with the very same ailment! It was a vicious circle.

I missed my husband then and I miss him now but I know he is finally all that he wanted to be!! Thank you, Lord.

When we decided to go get her,we talked about it and imagined that if she were here with us she would feel more safe and she didn't need to pay us anything, after all, we had raised three kids and they were just out of the house, we could surely absorb her expenses. We put up a bird feeder on her bedroom window, a little refrigerator in the room next door to hers, brought her microwave up and plugged in her coffee maker so she could have coffee any time she wanted. All went well for 6 months or so and all of the sudden she changed. It probably had to do with money. That is usually what she gets upset about.

During the time after Mike's death and before the funeral she talked to me like I was a dog. She accused me of so many things I can't even remember them. In front of the kids she spoke all this and kept everyone upset! I just can't help but be overjoyed that Mike no longer has to face this onslaught of foolishness.

But Lord, how will I take it? What should I do? I don't want to return bad for bad but I can't bear to hear the things she says. I would just love to get into a house that is adequate for us and live happily ever after. It looks like that is not going to happen. I don't think she is going to allow it.

How I miss you, Mike but how thankful I am that you are no longer under this pressure!!

Lord, give me grace!!!