Canadian Friend

About the same time that I met Bill, I met a young man from Canada; Montreal, to be exact. He was such a pleasant person and also searching for a deeper relationship with the Lord. He, too, had written a story that was to have been a fiction but was based on his own life. It was a story that pulled at my heart strings and provoked me to write this:

Dear friend of mine in deep distress,
Your hurt is my hurt, too.
The broken heart, rejected love,
Restful nights---very few!

I offer you a simple prayer,
And know that there you'll find,
A refuge from the storms of life.
A healing hand so kind.

The love you search for cannot be found,
Upon these humble shores.
Your boat will drift with the waves of time.
Your life will be a chore.

But if you'll see that there is One,
With open arms He stands,
Just waiting to enfold your life,
He surely has a plan.

His plan is rich and full and sweet.
He longs to have you see,
That all along He's been right there,
Throughout your destiny!(SIDE NOTE...this is not a word I would have used but one he strongly believed in.)

I know your life has never been blessed
With comfort and great care,
From those around who should have known,
Your need and deep despair.

But trust Him!!! He's brought you all this way,
He knows how much you need,
To make your life a trophy,
Of His grace and love indeed.

I know He draws you every day,
Your words confiem to me,
That God is working in your life,
Dear Martin, heed His plea!!

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."

Bill

In 1996, we got our first computer. It was something that we had needed for a while and I wanted to put our business on it. BUT the reason we got it was because the kids were just beginning to need it for typing research papers.

I guess I am just curious. The computer came with a free download of AOL. This was long before I had heard too much about the internet. I do believe that it was in the beginning stages and there was a little more freedom. I quickly found chat rooms. I love people and the idea of being able to chat with people in other areas of the country and the world was fascinating to me.

One of the first people I met was a boy named, Bill, who was going to the University of Michigan in Kalamazoo. He evidently had quite a bit of time on his hands. We got acquainted and quickly the question about his faith was asked. He sent me a poem that he had written about his despair in his search for something true. This is my answer to him, written July 16, 1996:

A deep pit, full of sorrow and sin,
And you are right,
We just can't win,
Not alone, that is.

Someone is waiting with outstretched arms,
Someone who's known all along,
Someone who loves you in spite of the sin,
He knows all about it and hears above the din,
Of voices clamouring loud and long,
Chiding you with all that is wrong.
He whispers in a still, small voice,
"Bill, I love you and have all along."

You are right, there is a light at the end,
God, you say, yes God, the Son.
God, the one Eternal One.
God, the one who came to give,
His life for us that we might live.

he lived the only perfect life,
Free from sin and sorrow and strife,
Then gave it there upon the cross,
In sacrifice for all who were lost.

Oh, many died on a wooden cross,
Paying for sins and reputations lost.
But this one was different---
How? You ask!

Look at the tomb in which He laid!
It's empty, Praise God!!
Resurrection Day!
Where did He go, How did He do it?
POWER--His own!
Do you believe it?

Now in heaven He intercedes,
For those who trust Him and truly believe.
He prays and He prompts with His still, small voice.
Are you listening?
It's clearly your choice.

Don't feel alone in the sea of despair.
"All" He said, "have once been there,
Thrashing and scrambling for all that is real,
And yet this old world has a blinding appeal."

Make a choice,
Choose the right,
Jesus is there to help with the fight.
It doesn't make the world be nice.
It doesn't make everything be right.
But it sure does help when the going gets rough,
To know you've a Helper and He's REALLY tough!!!

Romans 10:9-10

Giving

This was a poem that was written as a result of some situation that gave me such a burden to want to give and yet there was nothing that I had financially to help at that time. I searched my heart about it over and over and finally prayed and this was the comfort that God gave to me.

Grief fills my heart,
As I think of the days
That I've wasted my time,
On things that don't pay.

"How do I change it, Lord,
What must I do,
To make my life worthy,
Of grace, tried and true.

I never can do it,
I never can pay!
"But I love you in spite..."
I hear the Lord say.

I've given you treasures,
One, two and three.
If you want to give,
Give THEM back to me!"

"But how, Lord, how?
I try so very hard,
To keep their clothes clean
And their lives unmarred."

"Just trust me," He said,
"I'll lead you each day.
You never will make it,
Except as you pray!"

January 2, 1996

Don't Give Up

My father became a pastor in 1953, when I was just beginning third grade. I had watched my parents through Bible college and their faith made a deep impression on me. It was while in Springfield, where Dad was in college that I realized my need for a Savior. I was only 5 but it was real.

Unless you have lived in a pastor's home, you have no idea the hurts and the problems that dealing with people can bring. I have watched my parents go though much hardship with little to no money for feeding and clothing 5 children.

Along the way, there were many good times and exciting times as souls were saved and others led into the ministry.

But there were times when my dad would experience, as others did, a touch of depression. My mother was very concerned on one particular occasion and shared with me her burden for dad. That led to the following poem.

Don't give up,
Thought the way seems long,
Don't give up,
Though ALL goes wrong!

The God you served
For many a year,
Is here to comfort
And dry your tears.

Have not I heard you say before,
"Your life is a vapor"
So trust Him more.

The God you served,
Who in His grace,
Led you and fed you,
Is still in His place.

The pit may be deep,
The walls may be tall,
But there's still a Deliverer,
Who lift's when you fall.

He'll leave you there
Until you see,
It was in His love
He has chastened thee.

Oh taste and see,
That He is good,
His mercy is there,
Though not understood.

Oh, don't give up,
Though the battle's long,
The God that has led you,
Will still make you strong.

Give it to Jesus,
The fear and the doubt,
The Lord, Who's been with you,
Can still bring you out!!

July 20, 1993

Poetry

I do not consider myself a poet but through the years I have felt an urge to rhyme some sentences. I guess the first time it happened was when I fell MADLY in love with Tom B-----, my first year of college. I wrote several little poems in that awe of emotion.

It has never been anything that I did on a regular basis. I guess I really haven't tried. I just thought I would add the ones I have found .

This first one was written on June 17, 1991. It was the last time that Grandma and Papa kept the kids for a week during the summer. It was a welcome relief for us and probably a pretty stressful time for them. Papa died almost a year to the day after this on June 19, 1992.

TO MY CHILDREN

While you were gone, I had some time,
To reflect on all the years.
The good, the bad, the in-between.
The laughs and even the tears.

The time is moving quickly,
When you and I will part,
And many things I long to teach
Are still buried in my heart.

A love for God, our Father,
A turst in Him, Supreme,
A knowledge that, no matter what
On HIM you can ever lean.

These things are not taught in short devotions,
Or even pious words, quickly said,
But living daily with every emotion,
In bondage to Him whose blood was shed.

You cannot go wrong by giving Him,
What He has entrusted to you,
Your time, your strength and your talents,
Your thoughts and your actions, too.

I love you each with undying love,
But even that seems insincere,
When measured with the love He gave,
By sharing His Son, so dear.

My hearts desire, before you came,
And even now remains,
That you will walk so close to Him,
That others, too, will want the same.

I love you, Shawn, Maleah, and Ryan

Colossians 1:9-14
Mom

HOT HOT HOT

Wow....I finally heard those words I longed to hear! Grandma actually said she was warm. I took her to the bank today so she could close her checking and savings accounts and take my name off them. It's not at all that I WANTED to have control of her accounts but I am very fearful at what is going to happen. I have been keeping her checkbook balanced weekly since she has been here. Every penny is accounted for but she said I have made it confusing????? She accused me of writing checks out of her account that she didn't tell me, which was certainly NOT the truth. I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS do that!! So, I told her that she needed to find someone else to do her bookeeping if she couldn't trust me. She informed me that she could do it herself. She had two checks to write for bills and she had such a mess that she asked me to come straighten it out for her. She had written one check in the amount of the previous check number. She then put the bill in the envelope, sealed it, stamped it and mailed it, leaving the check in her checkbook. She really gets confused these days.

Another scary thing is her drivers license. They are out of date on her birthday, this Thursday. We went by the drivers license office and she tried to take the eye test and could not pass the traffic sign part of it. The girl sent her home to study. If she can't pass that, she can't get her license! OH PLEASE PRAY THAT SHE CAN"T PASS THAT!!! I would NOT want to be anywhere around if she started driving again. I know she feels very limited by her situation but honestly she is in no state to drive.

She is still keeping her car. We let one battery ruin because there was no need to drive the car. Hopefully, she will soon come to the realization that there is really no reason for her to keep that car and pay insurance on it.

The weather has been extremely hot and expected to be so this week also. I picked up Tabatha to take her to the church so she could get on the bus to go to camp and the smell of the kids already there BEFORE the week begins was not good!!! I remember the first camp week that Shawn went. He was in the third grade and very self-concious about changing clothes in front of anyone. So he wore his bathing suit under his clothes and then wore the same outfit ALL WEEK LONG!!! I can assure you that when I picked him up the smell was unbearable!!!!! BTW, it wasn't that he didn't have clothes to change into. I was quick to thank the couselor for what a great job he did since Shawn's clothes were packed neatly in his suitcase still.... AND he didn't lose anything!!!

Maleah went one week and I think it was a horrifying experience. One week of bugs and heat to a sissy is like an eternity in hell!! (Right, Mal)

Now Ryan was another story. He loved camp. He even worked out there several years. He loved getting dirty and stinky and taking chances with bugs and lizards and snakes and horses just to get to swim every day.

Living Springs Camp has been going a long time, and many children have found their way to the Savior through that ministry. May the Lord bless the couselors and camp director and cooks and speaker this week as they minister to these needy children.

Mark 9:41
"For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward."

Rain Sweet Rain!

We have been so blessed!! First of all, we had some pretty bad storms in the area a week ago on Wednesday night. We lost our electricity at around 8;30 PM and got it back at 11:00 PM that very night. Some people in St. Louis were just getting their power back today. So THAT was a real blessing. We haven't been hot......well, that is if I didn't pass Grandma's bedroom door when she had the HEATER on, of all things!!! I tried to shut the door but she insists that she needs some circulation SO....we have to circulate the hot air while the poor A/C is struggling to keep the house below 76 with the sun out and 98-100 every day.

Even though we had lots of stormy weather and wind, we had little rain. We have had so little rain that the river birch trees in our yard are losing their leaves. It looks like October in my yard. There has been rain all around us but we wouldn't get anything. I forgot to water last night and this afternoon after I came back from working at the church as a hostess for the new directory photography sessions, the impatiens were looking BAD!! They always let you know if they need watering but this time they looked almost past going, so I made a mental note that I had to water tonight. Would you believe that about 6:00 it started POURING. It is amazing to me to see the whole yard perk up. The trees look refreshed. The impatiens and the morning glories are standing up. The grass is looking greener. Isn't it amazing that I could stand with the water hose all day long and the flowers would still look pitiful but let the Lord do the watering and they drink it up!!! Kinda like they know Who their master is, huh!!!

Tears

I got a call today from one of Mike's customers from out in Crawford County. We have known her since our years of managing a music store in Cuba. That was in 1978. She has used Mike's piano tuning skills for YEARS! She called today to tell me that she had one note that had just quit playing and she wondered when Mike was going to be back out. I felt so bad and didn't know how to say it, so I just had to tell her that he was never coming back because he was in heaven.

It took her completely by surprise and she almost hung up on me because she couldn't control her emotions. We got through it. I have tried to be really brave and not cry when I tell that to any of his customers because I feel bad for them. After all, they have no idea it has happened and then they call and get that news in such a surprising fashion. But I have to say that I couldn't hold it today. I just had to cry with her.

I will miss those visits with she and her daughter and grandkids. She has been teaching piano lessons in Sullivan for YEARS and still only charges a small amount to do so. She lost her husband years ago and has her married daughter and her son-in-law and grandchildren living with her.

I think I went with Mike the last three or four times he went out there. She tunes every 6 months so we saw her often.

Someday it won't be so hard.

I am still in the process of sorting out things and have gotten lots of good advice. Only the Lord knows what is the proper decision in every situation.

Psalm 116:1-2
"I love the Lord, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications.

Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore, will I call upon him as long as I live."

Tomatoes, Cucumbers, Watermelon and Cantaloupe

Isn't the Lord's bounty delicious! On Sunday, I received a big bag of fresh tomatoes, three cucumbers(I love cucumbers!!!!) and a recipe for Gazpacho. I am going to make that real soon.

Before the day was over I also had a BIG watermelon and BIG Cantaloupe to bring home. It was all delicious.

Mike also loved fresh vegetables. His parents had a good garden for many years. I never really learned how to do that. Wish I had. It sounds like a lot of fun and work!!!

I do appreciate all the sweet people that share!!!

I am kind of in a lull. There are so many decisions to make and I have things I could be doing but I just don't want to do anything right now.

I got the new keyboard and it is so much fun to play with. I have restored my joy of music. There is also MUCH to learn about how to work the keyboard, not to mention the work to learn the Finale Print Music program so that I can transpose some music and write it out.

Then there is the unfinished business of the Counseling. I have several books that I have not read yet. I promise to get back on that soon.

If I stay up too late at night, then I sleep past 6:30 in the morning and I miss the best part of the morning. Millie usually needs to go out as soon as I get up but if I don't come right back upstairs and shut the door and do my Bible reading and prayer, it can get lost in the day. I have done that twice and I do NOT want to do it again. I have been being consistent in the morning and night to have devotions and I feel so much better.

I don't watch much TV at all. It just doesn't appeal to me very much. There was a movie on this afternoon that I taped about Dr. David Livingstone. I don't know what it was about but it just sounded interesting so maybe I will relax and watch that later.

Maleah is coming over tonight with her new car. She got a new Scion. www.scion.com
I haven't seen it yet but I hear it sure drives better than the Saturn that she had. She is very excited and I can't wait to see it.

Ryan seems to be feeling a little better with new plans on the horizon. Time will tell.

I was excited to hear that Shawn and Shannon went to Sunday School this Sunday and enjoyed it. I hope to hear that they are involved in a new church congregation.

The weather has been hot but we have been cool in the house. Grandma constantly tells me it is cold and we haven't even had any changes of seasons????? I just let her talk!

Psalm 68:19
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation. Selah."

Ring The Bells Of Heaven

"Glory, Glory how the loud harps ring,
Glory, Glory how the angels sing.
Tis a mighty army like a mighty sea,
Pealing forth the anthem of the free!"

Today Lauren accepted Jesus as her Savior. We have been praying for so long for her. I look forward to helping her as she grows in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Since Mike's death, she and Ryan have come to church with me on Sunday mornings. It has been a blessing to have them there. I have witnessed to her several times and corresponded with email a few times. So many people have prayed for her salvation and as my Mom said, it was like getting ready for the birth of a new child.

This morning during the invitation, she looked around Ryan and asked if I would go with her. It was so precious!!! Lisa dealt with her. I could not help but think about the joy in heaven over this one soul!!

Lu 15:10 (KJV) Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth.

Heaven is so real, and knowing that Mike is there in peace and security and able to be completely happy for this salvation is a blessing to me.

An Ode To Parents

I found this on my computer. I must have written it a while back because of the hurt I felt for my bus kids. Just thought I would post it here.

An Ode To Parents

People rushing to and fro
With nothing on their minds
But things that matter, oh so little,
No peace or joy they find.

Crushing hurts and destructive habits
Their children must acquire,
While little less than wealth and power
Is gotten for their hire.

Little girls with broken hearts,
Boys with tainted lives,
Are laying at the feet of Jesus,
While parents ignore their cries.

Mom, don’t you hear them?
Dad, can’t you see?
Their ears long to hear,
“Child, you matter to me!”

What will it profit,
If you gain the whole world,
And lose those dear children
In one lavish whirl?

Please stop all your hustle
And open your eyes.
God gave you those children.
Thank Him for the prize.

It’s your job to teach them,
And give them some hope.
Trust only in Jesus,
“In Him” you can cope.

Lu 18:16 (KJV) But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

Good Days

Lots has gone on in the last week. It seems that my situation is becoming a bit more stable. I hope to talk to Bro. Himes this week to firm up my employment status.

A couple of weeks before Mike died we had been to Andrea's house to work out some music. She had shown us her keyboard and how she could hook it up to her computer and print out music. She has been making a lot of arrangements and printing them out and her choir director from college is going to have them published for her. So she has been using it a lot.

One of the big reasons why having Mike for your accompanist was great was because of his abilities in transposing. He played mostly by ear but he also had the music theory down and understood why he was doing what he did. He understood chord progressions and all that it took to help him make these great transitions from one key to another. Lots of people have taken advantage of his skills in that area.

I would never have been a soloist but for those skills. I have loved every minute of it. But with his death, I am left to try to figure it out myself. It's not that I can't figure it out. I have just been too lazy. I, too, play by ear but played only in a few keys. So, therefore, I am limited by that.

I had decided that I wanted to try to get Mike a keyboard for his birthday. I thought that would have been so good because he could have used it to write out the music quickly for those who needed to have the notes. We got into situations like that many times in our trio. I looked forward to seeing his excitement as he wrote out all those songs. But, God had other plans. So, I finally made the decision that I would get the keyboard for myself and try to do some of this myself.

I got it yesterday. One of the greatest features for me is the "transpose" skill. I can still play everything in the key of C but transpose it to whatever key I want it in. I just need to figure out those neat things Mike did to get to the other keys.

So, I am spending some time working on the keyboard. There is so much to learn but this keyboard came with built in lessons and I also got a DVD that will teach me a lot. Sooooooooooo I am praying and working. Only the Lord knows what this will do for my future!!

Proverbs 16:9
"A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps."

Aren't These Beautiful

These are the beautiful flowers that Maleah sent me on my anniversary. God has blessed me with some very sweet children that are thoughtful and caring. THANK YOU, LORD!!!



And thanks to Lauren for taking the picture and emailing it to me. Here is a picture of Ryan and Lauren so you know who she is! She's a sweetie too!!

Psalm 127:3
"Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward."

Please Bear With Me

I just hate discouraging anyone and I really hope my posts are not depressing these days. I do believe I am now going through the valley right now.

Saturday was a sad day and yet I have so much to be thankful for. Ever so often I just feel like crying and I let myself do that. I know God made tears for a release of our emotions and I have never had a problem with doing that.

Today I went to Wal Mart to buy groceries. It is so different to go when you only have to buy for two.

I saw a mother with her three children buying school supplies and I remembered how stressful that time always was because we NEVER really had the money to do it but we went through the same ordeal every year. Each child had to have new clothes and new school supplies. I loved getting them, even though I knew that they were piling up in the basement. Each year we would have things that could be used the next year but there was just something about NEW school supplies that was so exciting.

I was cleaning out a closet and found my order form for ABeka school books when we were home schooling. That was an exciting time also. Those times seemed to last so long. I can remember thinking how old the children would all be when Ryan graduated. It seemed impossible that they would ever get that old. But sure enough....they did!!

I got a phone call from Dr. William Banton, one of Mike's customers. He is such a kind man. He was so concerned because Mike seemed full of life and so enchanting, as he put it. Most of his customers found him so. He would enjoy conversing as he tuned. He learned to observe the home and the surroundings and find a common interest. He was truly a remarkable man. For some reason, he found it easy to converse on a personal level with Drs, lawyers, engineers,musicians and teachers. Yet he was so insecure and humble. Once again, I am proud to have been his wife.

Romans 13:10
"Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law."

40 years ago today!

I am so proud of the man I married!! Everywhere I look there are evidences of him.
Each night or every other night I spend time in the yard watering all the flowers he left behind. It is so peaceful out there.

His art is everywhere(including my favorite that is now in Grandma's junk room)!!

I can't help but think back at all the memories we made! I sure didn't think it would end so soon. We were just growing older but certainly not old. We were so comfortable. We were old enough to not worry about what the other one was thinking and yet still young enough to care.

Thank you Lord, for 39 years, 11 months and 29 days! I love you, Mike!!

Psalm 42:8
"Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life."

Update

Well, today it has been exactly a month since Mike passed away. Sometimes I just wonder what he is doing up there and what wonderful things he has seen and heard. I don't really think that he thinks about us because that wouldn't probably be comforting to him. Of course, what do I know???? I'm thinking of him as he was before and I know that he would feel like such a failure to have left us to figure it all out.

God knew that I liked a challenge and there are certainly quite a few of those these days. I am trying to wade through the car insurance thing. I hate all those details and having to be so "up" on stuff so that you get what you need but not more than you need.

Grandma seems to be a little better these days. I thought that not too long ago and then she started in again, so who knows!! I stay ready to defend myself.

We had a situation on Monday that was a little comical but yet scary at the same time. In the early morning I heard Grandma call me and went running up to find her in the floor where she had scooted off the end of the bed. Because of her mastectomy so many years ago, she has no muscles to speak of in her left arm. Because of the arthritis behind her knees, she can't put a lot of pressure on them. So, how do you get a lady out of the floor under those conditions? Well, you have to roll an ottoman in behind her AFTER you have gotten her up on her knees....oh my....it is too much to go into but take it from me it was no easy task!

A couple hours later I heard a crash and ran up to find Grandma in the bathtub with her feet sticking straight up, holding onto the shower curtain, still on the rod that had bent almost double. Now, that was quite a sight. She had on her gown and robe and her sweat pants and panties were down around her ankles. We worked and worked and finally got her sitting up in the tub but she thought she should try to get on her knees so we worked on that a while. I love a challenge, as I said before but this one had no answer! I thought about it in every way I could think. Finally, I decided that there was no way I was getting her out of that tub. I dialed 911 and timidly told them I had an elderly lady down in a tub and not hurt(Gma insisted that I say that because she didn't want to go to the hospital) and needed help to get her out. Soon enough an ambulance showed up with two young guys and a girl. The two guys got in the tub and lifted grandma under her arms and under her legs and into a chair that we had brought in there. They then very kindly helped her to her recliner. They let us know that they were tax supported and that trip would not cost us anything. Transporting her anywhere would have cost. That was very kind of them to tell us. So grandma agreed that was the most excitement she has had in a while.

I worked the rest of the day getting a rail on the side of the tub and a seat to raise the commode for comfort for her. Hopefully we won't have another incident like that.

Tonight I am going over to Julie S. house. Her husband and older son are out of town tonight and so she invited Melinda and I over for supper.

Friday night, the guy who is buying the business comes to pick up the files and let me show him my bookkeeping system. I am very excited about that.

Next Tuesday, I will be going to the Blue Owl in Kimmswick for a luncheon for Jennifer Murr. She and her family live in North Carolina. She sang in my ladies trio and taught Maleah piano lessons and cheerleading. Tim, her husband, was Shawn's basketball coach and also taught Bible to the kids in high school. It will be good to see them again after all these years. I have many pieces of video of Shelby and Kaycee, their girls.

I have made it for one month so I'm sure in the next month things will smooth out and I will slip into a regular pattern. It will be good to settle again.

Psalm 37:23-26

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand.

I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed."