Happy Birthday Mike

Sixty-one years ago in Hot Springs, Arkansas, a boy child was born. They say he weighed 12 pounds!! He was a big one! I wish he was here so we could all hug him one more time but as I understand he has gotten more hugs and experienced complete love and peace now for several weeks. We miss him so much.

I took something to the mailbox again this morning and there was another purple morning glory. It's color was so beautiful. It reminded me of the book I'm reading where the man described going to heaven and said the colors were so brilliant that it was impossible to describe them in earthly terms. I just know that Mike and his dad both are enjoying that!! They so much enjoyed the beautiful things in this life.

Last night there was a storm. Just before it started I went out with Millie and I could look up and see a few stars and the clouds and the song that came to my mind was "How Great Thou Art"! It was good to sing that and pray a little as I heard the thunder rolling in.

I came up and went to my room and closed the door. I am so glad that the Houstons video taped the funeral. I watched Missy and Buddy and Andrea sing their songs again, watched the ensemble sing "In This Tomb" and watched a bit of Bekah and Spencers wedding and heard Mike play for me to sing my last solo. It was good to hear it all again.

After I watched the videos, I turned off the VCR and the TV came on. I have had no desire to watch TV since Mike died. I just flipped through the channels and was amazed at the way I looked at it all differently. There is so much sin and degradation on TV. I decided that I would turn the channel if there was even one indication of something that was against God's word. WOW.....that kept me changing channels for sure. Before, I used to think, "Oh well! That is just the way the world thinks about it and it is wrong but they just don't know truth!" That would appease my conscience and I would expose myself to ungodly thoughts. I don't want to do that anymore. I feel so much better without it!

I went to bed and the thunder was loud and the lightning was flashing. I couldn't help think that if Mike were here, he would want to open the blinds so he could see it all. I don't know what his fascination with stormy night skies was but he loved it. I hadn't been in bed long when the phone rang! It startled me but sure enough when I picked it up it was my baby boy checking up on Mom because of the storms. How sweet!! I really never have been afraid of storms. The kids were always a little anxious in stormy weather and would usually end up in bed with me. So that brought back sweet memories.

This morning, everything is so crisp and fresh looking. The birds are busy with their feeding and the squirrels are scampering around the yard. All is well! God is in control!

Psalm 30:5b
"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

Jasmine, Morning Glory, and Decisions

Today is beautiful. I got a good nights rest. I didn't wake up at 4:30 which was a blessing. I slept right through until about 6:15.

Maleah came over last night and we ate Chicken Carbonara and she took the rest home for Ryan and Casey. (I kept one small bowl). We enjoyed our visit. Bless her heart, it took her over 2 hours to get home because of the traffic on Highway 44. I will be so glad when they get that road finished.

This morning I took some letters out to the mailbox and there was my first Morning Glory. It is so beautiful. It is a deep purple with reddish tints on the inside. I could just hear Mike saying..."You really can't even see purple flowers!!!" That's an inside joke. The first spring Grandma was here, Mike got mostly purple flowers for all his flower beds so Grandma commented that you just can't really even see purple flowers. She had to always make it look like Mike had made a wrong decision. I don't know what would have been wrong with just a simple "Those flowers are beautiful!!" Because they were!!! The purples were so deep it almost hurt your eyes to look at them.

The Jasmine is doing so good. It's smell is very strong and sitting on the porch is very pleasant. I am so glad that Mike put it in a pot so I can bring it in when the weather gets too cold.

Millie went out and sat on the porch with me a little this morning. She enjoys watching the birds and chasing the squirrels in the backyard.

I do believe that I have made one major decision: I am going to stay in my house!! My main reason for even entertaining the idea of a move was because of Grandma but I love my yard and the steps are not that big of a deal for me. Perhaps it would make much better sense to save the money that would be involved in purchasing a different house and let Grandma move if this is not going to accomodate her needs. I'm okay with that idea.

I'm excited to say that I have made a deal with another tuner to take Mike's business. I really feel like this man will do a great job. He has a lot of experience and some customers of his own. He is married and has a 2 year old daughter. I hope the best for him!

Psalm 40:1-3

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me and heard my cry.

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord."

Good Day!

I woke up this morning at 4:30. I tried to go back to sleep but I just wasn't sleepy. I thought and thought about a lot of things that are going on. Then finally at 5:30 I just got up and started reading my bible. I read several chapters in Luke, several chapters in Psalms and a Proverb.

Isn't it weird how the devil makes us too much in a hurry to pray. Now that I have no one waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast....well, Gma does but she doesn't get up until 8:00, I can get up and take my time with the Lord. I find it so hard to force myself to pray. Isn't that puzzling. I can pray all day long off and on but when it comes to laying aside everything and getting on my knees and really carrying on a conversation with the Lord, it seems so hard to do. This is where I need to keep pushing myself.

My thank you notes are done so I was very relaxed. I watered the plants, got the garbage all out which included cleaning out the freezer that is no longer working.

I spent some time sitting on the front porch. Mike had planted some Birch trees in the front yard and they are so big now you can hardly see the house so the porch almost feels private. The birds are so cute as they twitter and jump into the evergreen bush at the corner of the porch. The Jasmine is blooming really good and smells delicious.

I gave up and got squirrel food and those little guys chewed up my plastic bird feeder and dropped it to the ground. That makes me so mad!!! Can't they just be thankful.

Around 9:30 I got a call from my friend Melinda. She wanted to know if I would like to come to her house for lunch. I accepted that invitation and my friend, Julie came and picked me up. We had a delicious Orange, Walnut and lettuce salad. It was very tasty and we also had little turkey sandwiches with cheese.

I never have been a "lady". I just never had time to visit and fellowship with other women. I always felt a little out of place. Usually I had things to do at home and I would really have felt bad to leave Mike at home. But, I really enjoyed this day. I think I could get used to being a lady. We visited for FIVE hours!!! Now that's visitation!

I am really tired now....I will probably sleep well tonight. Think I will go read some more. I love this peace and solitude.

My Sweet Husband!

Today was a good day at church. Ryan and Lauren came and sat with me. Tabatha sat on the other side of me.

Several things were said that made me think about how sweet Mike was. One lady said, "I think of him every time I am playing the piano. When I pick out a song for offeratory, I think of him!" Another said, "The thing I liked about Mike is that he would actually talk to me!! Most of the men around here will not talk to me.!" She is a very attractive lady that comes alone because her husband doesn't come so I understand why most men do not talk to her. Mike talked to her because we knew her well. She sang in a trio with us for so long so Mike visited with her many times.

I was just thinking about how special Mike was. I never had a time when I didn't trust him. I knew his love was MINE and no one elses. BUT, he was very sensitive and he would tell me how sorry he felt for this woman or that woman. He would sit and talk to other ladies in the choir room and of course, he visited with ladies every day in his work.

I am proud of who he was, someone who cared and was not afraid to show it. He was also someone who was trustworthy and loved deeply. He was also one who was not afraid to hug his boys just as big as he hugged his girl. They will have to say that they KNEW their dad loved them.

It will take a while for us not to miss him in every service. He isn't in the choir anymore. He isn't playing for the children's choir. He isn't playing for many of the specials. He isn't there to count money on Sunday mornings.

I miss him so much but I went back to the choir this morning and it felt good to be there again. I haven't sung that much in the last few weeks but my heart longed to. Thank you Lord for music!!! I can't wait to hear it in heaven with Mike!

Heaven

I have just been reading a book that a friend recommended called "Ninety Minutes In Heaven". It is the true story of a Baptist preacher who was killed in a car accident, pronounced dead at the scene and then returned to life. I so hope what he says is true about heaven.

It makes me want to praise God even more and thank him for taking Mike there!! I tried so hard to love him and for many years my love was enough to keep him from thinking about a lot of bad things but as we aged and accepted more and more responsibility he struggled with his thoughts of insecurity and anxiety. A lot of times I was so busy with the children. Grandma says I didn't let Mike be a father but the truth was, I knew how insecure he was about being a father and I struggled with making everything perfect. I didn't want the kids to be cranky or upset around Mike. I ran interference so that he could enjoy it.

But the book is talking about how much he felt loved and at peace. OH HOW I HOPE that is exactly what Mike felt. I can just see him there now without a care in the world being hugged by his Dad with a perfect body and no missing kneecap.

The book describes the music and how I want to hear it!!! I know if anyone enjoys it, Mike will!!! He always heard so much more than most people. He analyzed constantly the chord progressions. As he aged he quit really liking to listen to much music because he was lost in his own thoughts and he didn't want to go through the analyzing part. He was tired and distraught because he felt like such a failure and no matter what I said it made no difference. I would say "I love you!" and he would say "But I don't love myself!" He would apologize to me for such silly things. For instance he apologized because he was so slow at taking care of things around the house. If something broke, he imagined the worst and would put it off because he was just sure it would cost way too much to fix. I just can't even imagine how he must feel now to be free from that weight of condemnation.

The book talks about the fact that the author felt no remorse or hurt for leaving his friends and family and I am so thankful for that. I tried to shield him from so many things but he just couldn't keep from hearing and seeing things that went on around him.

I am faced with Grandma who now is telling me that I owe her so much money. She is determined that if it were possible, she would take everything and leave me destitute. I do not understand it. I have done nothing to deserve it. I want to do the right thing by her but it is obvious that NOTHING will appease her wrath. What do I do???

At least Mike is now far away from having to hear about his many failures! Before he died, she told me he was no good son and that she hadn't heard a kind word from him since she had been here. Now, he was some sort of angel that gave his life because I was to stupid to take him to a cardiologist. I just ran him to death.

She detested every time he played for a group or had to practice or counted money or sang in the ensemble. That church was just using him! But how he struggled to remain faithful to the Lord and his church in the midst of such cruel feelings.

We came to a place that we realized she could no longer stay out in the country alone. She had been working doing in-home care for several years and that had kept her busy but she was losing her ablility to walk very easily and had so many emergency visits to the hospital her friends were becoming anxious. I think they felt that we were shirking our duty. So, I told Mike that we HAD to go get her. I will never forget his response. "I don't think I can do it!" He had always had a "safe" place at home. A place where he could shut the door and do whatever he wanted to do without fear of condemnation. I had worked so hard to have it so, but when Grandma came that eliminated any safe place. If he came in early he had to worry that she thought he didn't do enough work. If he laid on the couch, he had to worry that she was going to think he was sick and begin a barrage of stories about who all had died with the very same ailment! It was a vicious circle.

I missed my husband then and I miss him now but I know he is finally all that he wanted to be!! Thank you, Lord.

When we decided to go get her,we talked about it and imagined that if she were here with us she would feel more safe and she didn't need to pay us anything, after all, we had raised three kids and they were just out of the house, we could surely absorb her expenses. We put up a bird feeder on her bedroom window, a little refrigerator in the room next door to hers, brought her microwave up and plugged in her coffee maker so she could have coffee any time she wanted. All went well for 6 months or so and all of the sudden she changed. It probably had to do with money. That is usually what she gets upset about.

During the time after Mike's death and before the funeral she talked to me like I was a dog. She accused me of so many things I can't even remember them. In front of the kids she spoke all this and kept everyone upset! I just can't help but be overjoyed that Mike no longer has to face this onslaught of foolishness.

But Lord, how will I take it? What should I do? I don't want to return bad for bad but I can't bear to hear the things she says. I would just love to get into a house that is adequate for us and live happily ever after. It looks like that is not going to happen. I don't think she is going to allow it.

How I miss you, Mike but how thankful I am that you are no longer under this pressure!!

Lord, give me grace!!!

A Trip To Big Lots

I feel like a shopper now!!!! Yep, I took the stroll through Big Lots! Actually, I went to Shop n'Save to pick up a head of lettuce for my Gorditas that I fixed for Ryan and I and saw Big Lots looming large before me. I had a purpose. I prayed, "Lord, please let there be something in there that will work for my needs!"

My needs are for Grandma. She has trouble getting in her bed. We took the frame out and let the boxsprings and mattress sit on the floor but that made it too low and besides that, she needs that area under the bed to get her feet around the bed without tripping. So, then I put it back on the frame which made it too high again. I thought if I could find a utility stool of some kind maybe that would work. As I went through the store, searching every aisle, what to my wondering eyes should appear but Katie and Kelcee, who ran and gave me big hugs. So sweet!!! I love those bus kids. They informed me that they and their smaller siblings had made me a Bible box! You have to appreciate that those little ones are expressing their love for you and your grieving in the best way they know how. It was very uplifting because Katie had gotten mad at me one time and decided she wasn't going to ride the bus anymore but then had come back. Kelcee is usually there every Sunday. I still need to search my heart about the bus ministry. I loved doing it and it was the most rewarding thing I have ever done but it was very stressful physically with backaches and an ankle sprained MANY years ago that continues to act up now. I also found that recently I had been so tired from the all day visitation on Saturday and the early arising on Sunday morning that I could hardly grasp a sermon.

I have issues with Grandma also. She quit coming to church, she recently divulged to me, because no one was there to help her out and she was afraid she was going to fall and break a hip. The truth was, Mike counted money on Sunday morning which usually took about 30 minutes. All she needed to do was sit and visit with the other ladies whose husbands were counting money and then Mike would have helped her out but she wanted to go home and try to get lunch on the table early. I usually wasn't home before 1:30 to 2:00. She thought that was too late to be eating lunch and Mike wouldn't let her eat before I got home. I am thinking that maybe I can get her to come back and I think she would feel much better.

Well, back to Big Lots!! After I visited with the kids and their parents for a while, I made another run through the store, searching every nook and cranny and lo and behold, there sitting on top of a bin of close out items was a tiny square stool that was padded. It was tall enough to give a little height and yet short enough to push under the bed! AND........................it was on sale for $3.00!! I have to wait for Grandma to get up this morning to see if it worked. God's works amaze me sometimes!!

Psalm 42:8
"Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me and my prayer unto the God of my life."

Little Things

Just a small thing, a website about St. Louis traffic and my mind goes back to the fact that I don't have to worry about that anymore. Mike used to call me between almost every piano and I would say "Yes, sir?"(I have caller ID so I would know who it was) He would always say...."I am not a sir!!!" But he was a "sir"!! He would usually want me to check with MoDot to find out what was holding up the traffic on Hwy 55 or 44 or 40 or 141 or 270. If you drive in St. Louis and you aren't familiar with that, you can go to MoDots website (www.gatewayguide.com) and you can see problems on a map. You can click on the icon for a car accident and it will give you details like when it happened, a basic description, which lanes are blocked and when they think it will be cleaned up. You can also see a "real-time" camera angle at major intersections in town. In the winter, I used to look on the cameras to see what the roads looked like up there. Sometimes we would be snow covered here but St. Louis would not have had anything. Usually it was the other way around.

Oh how I hated snowy days.....it was agony because you had made all these appointments, and we needed the money and the people certainly understood the conditions. It wasn't like we were delivering air for their iron lungs or anything but there was always pressure to accomodate those customers. It would be fun to have Mike home but he would worry and feel put out at himself for not making the effort.

So many things will change in the next few months. MoDot served it's purpose and I won't need it anymore. NOAA is not a place I want to stay anymore. Mike always kept up with the weather. I could never understand that. Why would you keep checking on it....can you change it. Of course, I understand that you need to be prepared in the case of an emergency but I just don't like to think about things before the time is right. I struggle with details.

Well, I must finish these thank you cards....I AM ALMOST THERE!!!!

II Corinthians 2:14
"Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place."

Loose Ends

I have always hated loose ends. I like to quickly tackle problems and get them corrected so that I can get on with living, but this life I am now living will take a while to right.

There are so many questions about the future and yet I know that God does have a plan.

Will I get to stay in my house? Will Grandma and I ever get past the hurt and be able to live together? Should I stay in the bus ministry? What are the correct financial decisions to make? Will the business sell? Should I sell the house? Should I sell the car? What about Dish Network that only Grandma watches now?What bills can I bring down now since the business is no more?

There have been things that happened in the last two weeks that I constantly say, "Thank you, Lord for taking Mike!!" He was not a strong man emotionally and there have been several things that I can not imagine he could have gone through recently.

At times it feels a bit like Job but I remember the end and it was better than the beginning! So I press forward, knowing that my Heavenly Father knows all!

Jeremiah 32:17

Ah Lord God! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee:"

For Me!

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation: whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life: of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me,in this will I be confident.

One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and inquire in his temple.

For in the time of trouble he will hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me: he shall set me up upon a rock.

And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.

Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation,

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.

Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

Whose Birthday Came Yesterday??

My sweet baby boy was 21 yesterday!! I am so sorry I didn't get around to giving him the "Tribute Blog"!!!

He has definitely been a blessing in our lives!! Dad loved him with all his heart and was very protective of him. When I would lose my cool with Ryan's irresponsibility and want to give him a piece of my mind, Mike wouldn't let me. Sometimes I slipped and did it anyway but Mike would shame me about it. I know Ryan will miss those periodic calls to warn him of pending disasters on the highway!

I remember so well when I realized that I was going to have another child. I knew instantly it was going to be a boy. I don't know why I knew that but I did.

He was completely different from the other two. Perhaps he was a "Bowden"!!! He was much more open with his feelings. Sometimes that was good and sometimes that was bad. I used to comment that there was no middle ground for him. He was either really happy or really sad.

He was my baby and was a "cuddly" one at that. All you have to do is look at all the family pictures to see that he was loved by all.

We had our times, didn't we Ry!! Remember all the belts hanging on the doors to get cooperation from you!!!

Remember when you came in that day and told me that you needed to ask Jesus in your heart? We kneeled at that big brown chair and you prayed your sweet little prayer. I remember your going out with your little bible and telling Steve and Jonathan how they could go to heaven. You were only 4 and already a soul-winner!

Remember those traumatic services at church...well, maybe you don;t but I do!!! You cried EVERY time I left you in the nursery or junior church until you were 5 years old.

Remember watching "Benjy the Hunted" over and over and over and over!! Remember the little toy dog collection I found at Aldi's that you played with and imagined all around my bed.

I remember the times you rode with me back and forth to pick the kids up from school when we knew every dog in every fence along the way.

I remember homeschooling. That was a trip!!!! Not sure we would either one want to relive that but there were some good things that went on. Especially when we video homeschooled. Remember our train trip to Texas. I think that was one of my favorite memories. Remember that I dropped my billfold as we were boarding the train and some old man found it and had it returned to me. Wasn't God's protection so real!!! Remember the sound of that train whistle as we jostled along in the night in our private sleeper car!!! So neat!!!

I remember the third grade forest project. Didn't we have fun with that one!! I still have that video of your resulting book report.

Now you are a man! I look forward to seeing what you do with your life. Remember I will always be praying for you and encouraging you to give everything to the Lord. Just remember Dad's funeral and that will help you. He did so many things in his life that caused him stress but he did them for the glory of the Lord. And wasn't it so evident how many lives he had touched by doing so. Please use him for an example of how to live your life.

I love you with all my heart!!! Happy 21st Birthday!!!!

Your life verse that you picked out yourself!!!

Philippians 3:10
"That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death."

Away So Long

I didn't intend to stay away for so long. There have been so many things transpired in the last two weeks. To explain what happened with Mike, here is the story.

On Monday night, Maleah came to eat supper with us. This was not her usual night but since they had been in Florida for a few days she came over early in the week. I should have made some phone calls and gotten Mike some work in St. Louis but I wanted to visit with Maleah.

Mike assured me it was ok because he had a couple of pianos to do at church. So Tuesday morning dawned as usual. I got up and fixed his breakfast as he was getting ready to go to work. He left and at around 11:00, he returned with a bad backache. He has had so many aches and pains and most of the time it was worse when he was stressed and he was most definitely stressed that day. We were facing the big house payment with not much in the account towards it. Plus the many other bills and I had not been able to get to the calls quickly.

I tried rubbing his back for him and got him a couple of Ibuprofen. We sat on the porch a few minutes. He was still in pain. It eased a bit and we went inside. He sat down in his dad's recliner which he never usually sat in at all. He began to tell me the events of the morning when all of the sudden he grabbed his chest and said "It's starting again!" and his head fell over. My first thought was that he had fainted. I tried to wake him up....I ran and got a towel and wet it and washed his face. He never awoke. By then I realized this was too long so I called 911.

I really do see why people panic in these situations. It seemed like an eternity before the ambulance arrived. I could not remember my CPR and he was in the chair. I would have had a hard time getting him out. I tried blowing in his mouth and holding his nose but it would all come back out.

I knew that he was gone and the thought hit me that they MIGHT resucitate him. I was afraid he was going to be disabled in some way and I can think of nothing that would have been worse for Mike. He hated pain and discomfort and didn't ever want to have to be uncomfortable in front of people. So for that reason, I am thankful that God took him in such a fashion.

By the time the ambulance arrived, I was totally exhausted. I backed up to the steps so the ambulance people could work on him. I ran upstairs to get Grandma who had slept through it all.

I can't believe he's gone. It really hasn't soaked in yet how this is going to affect me in the future. I know that I will miss our sweet times alone, our trips to Ginny's after church on Sunday nights when it was just he and I and we neither one NEEDED the food, his tender touch, his yard work, his musical abilities and his artistry. My life was enriched by the joy and love he brought into it.

We didn't have a perfect marriage and I wish I could say that I had loved him perfectly but is that really possible? We were two completely different people that meshed together to make a team. I thought it was a good one.

I will always have the many memories of his music. He made it possible for me to sing solos. Because of his skills in piano, we had all those years of singing in different groups. I can't even imagine what it will be to try to sing with someone else. It was so easy to sing with him. He covered for me and if I ever made a mistake, he made up for it. I feel half of a person now!!!

I sang for all these years. Someone asked me one time how many songs I knew by heart....I can't even count them. There were always songs that I could pull out of my head and just start singing and Mike would follow me.

So many things in my life will be different. I don't know what the Lord has in store for my future but He does.

Sometimes I like to just think about what Mike must be experiencing now. I could get a little jealous. I imagine that the minute he drew his last breath, he experienced complete peace, complete relief from pain, perfect sight and hearing. I think that he must have seen his dad. He has missed him so much!!

I just hope the Lord allowed him to see the funeral and all the expressions of love that were shown. I know he thought he was a nobody! That was part of the character of who he was. He was an humble, godly man!!

So, now I begin a new chapter in my life, a little lost, a little confused but not in dismay. I know Who holds tomorrow and I know where Mike is. I have a wonderful family and there are great days ahead. I will learn how God can use me alone!! Thank you, Lord!!

Mike Cozart 6-29-45 - 6-6-06

www.cozartpianoservice.com

Senior Moments

How do I begin? I think I will relay the senior moment first. Grandma does not believe us tonight that it is Sunday night. She thinks it is Monday morning and demanded her coffee. YIKES!!

The day began for me at 5:30 as a usual Sunday morning. I took my shower and got ready and then went downstairs to fix breakfast. I fixed it for all three of us, covering Grandma's plate with the plastic cover. I can't really remember for sure if Mike took her breakfast up before I went to the church or not but I KNOW that she ate it because when I came home from the bus route, I had to change clothes and there was her tray with an egg plate that was all hardened, sitting there at the top of the stairs waiting for me. I brought it down and put it in to soak.

I tried Chicken and Dumplings for the crockpot today and it was very good. I finished up the meal and fixed her a plate of dumplings, slaw, corn, 2 crescent rolls and 2 pieces of cantaloupe and a glass of tea. I took it to her as we were about to sit down for lunch. She was up and coherent at that time and thanked me.

I was so tired. As soon as I got through with lunch, I got up and washed the dishes but never went up to get her tray because I wanted to take a nap. I was so tired and I just didn't feel like talking.

I got to bed about 3:15 and went sound to sleep, waking up at 5:05. Normally, we have been going to church for the 5:00 ensemble practice but now that Leah has moved away and we just sang last Sunday morning, there was no practice today. I forgot that we were supposed to be at church at 5:30 so I went back to sleep. Mike came up around 5:30. I just decided that since I was so tired and I was in the nursery tonight anyway, I would just take my time and get ready and go to the nursery and not sing in the choir. I never usually do that but I just felt I needed the time. I didn't tell Grandma what was going on because she was asleep anyway.

All went well. We had 9 children in the age category of 2-3 years in the nursery. That was quite a handful. When church was over, I went to the auditorium and sure enough, Mike was waiting on me there. I reminded him that I had the other car and would meet him at home.

When we got home, I let Millie outside and then came upstairs. The cellphone began ringing. I answered it. It was Grandma from upstairs.

To make a long story short, she had not known where we were. She came downstairs, tried to make her coffee and couldn't, so went back upstairs. She thought it was Monday morning and nothing was changing her mind. She thought she slept all night in her chair. She took all her medications AGAIN!! I spent quite some time trying to reason with her but she still thinks that she slept in the chair all night and that it is Monday morning. I had to fix the coffee.

I don't know what the next step is. I told her that I was taking the medicine. She would have been very upset at that but she has had plenty of Valium and Librax so she is happy. I'll be so glad to get her to the new doctor on June 12.

In other news, Bus 5 was number 1 today with 30. Bus 2,and 3 are sneaking up on us.

Meredith got saved today. She used to ride the bus when she was 4 years old. She lives at her Grandfather's house now. Her great-grandfather is a christian man and has been praying for his children and grandchildren for a long time.

I will have to say that Saturday and Sunday were both VERY tiring days. I would not have been surprised if no one had ridden my bus Sunday. God just needs to teach me that it isn't because of me that ANY ride!! I accept that!!

Prioritizing and Decisions

I guess my worst fault is getting involved in so many things and having to make a decision about what to leave undone and what to finish. I just thought I would try to prioritize this day for my own help.

I've already cooked breakfast for Mike and Grandma and I, taken Grandma's up to her, eaten, gotten Mike off to work, talked to Shawn for a second, read his post, done my Bible reading and a little reading on one of my books.

Ahead of me lay several projects: making phone calls for the business; finishing posting the month of May, both invoices and deposits; posting the checkbook which is behind since the end of February so this will be several hours of work that I keep putting off; cleaning the kitchen from breakfast; cleaning out the refrigerator; attempting to repair the water dispenser (I have already printed out instructions on what to do, this project needs to be done quickly as we have no filtered water until it is done; mopping the kitchen floor, cleaning all three bathrooms, vacuming & dusting the whole house,making a trip to Wal Mart for bisquits and jelly for breakfast; getting supper fixed so that I can leave it for Mike while I go to the church for the rehersal of Bekah and Spencer's wedding at 5:00 PM; and I suppose that should wrap up the day. Intersperse that with the random phone calls and requests for errands from Grandma and letting Millie out periodically. You know, some days I just feel like I never accomplish anything. I know the reason is because the feeling of accomplishment comes when a job is finished and rarely do I ever get COMPLETELY through with a project. I need to learn to feel joy at small steps in a project!!

Now, as I sit here, still in my robe and not ready for the day at all, how do I prioritize this??? Well, maybe I need to get ready for the day FIRST!!!

I was reading the last chapter of Matthew this morning and I couldn't help but get a feeling of excitement at how the disciples must have felt to have known the deep discouragement of losing their Messiah to such a horrible death. And even though he had told them on several occasions that he would arise, I think they were completely surprised by seeing Him again. Can you even imagine the joy that arose in their hearts at seeing Him standing there in His glorified body and speaking to them once more!! Such hope we have that in the middle of our busyness we realize that the Lord could come back so quickly and we would behold Him, standing there before us, in His glorified body!! Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus!!!